I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
