Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i now understand why vodka
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
