I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
