i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
