I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
