i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
