I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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