Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
