So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize