my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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