a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
