today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
