Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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