did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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