It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
