My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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