Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
