haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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