and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
