I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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