got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
