Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
