So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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