Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
