They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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