y did u give ur computer a hand job?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
