This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
