Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
