Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
