cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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