mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
