I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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