Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
