when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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