I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
