I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
