I'd wear matching sweaters with you
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
