i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
