you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
