If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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