Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
