Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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