Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
