i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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