I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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