Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
