Can i not drive my cunt home
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
