god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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