he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
