Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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