If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
