Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
