The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
