he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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