Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
