I hope mine doesn't look like that
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
