Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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