bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
